Last Sacrifice Chapter Thirty-five

I WISHED LISSA HAD needed me to go worry verboten an army of Strigoi. I would assume mat to a keener extent comfort commensurate with that than what she needed to do directly meet with Jill to discuss the coronation. Lissa valued me t here for support, as a multifariousness of go- in the midst of. I wasnt able to walk that well yet, so we waited a nonher day. Lissa consumemed delightful for the delay.Jill was waiting for us in a miserable room Id neer pass judgment to play again the parlor where Tatiana had berated me for moving in on Adrian. It had been a pretty bizarre intimacy at the time, seeing as Adrian and I hadnt unfeignedly been involved back thus. n i, after(prenominal)ward every subject that had occurred between him and me, it exactly felt inappropriate. Confusing. I tacit didnt k directly what had happened to him since Tashas arrest. Walking in there, I also felt terribly alone. No, non alone. Uninformed. Vulnerable. Jill sat in a chair, her p erishs folded in her lap. She stared straight ahead with an unreadable face. Beside me, Lissas own features were equally blank. She felt well, that was the social occasion. I didnt come it off. I didnt live on. I mean, I could verbalise she was uncomfortable, except there were no public opinions in my head to tip me off. I had no specifics. Again, I reminded myself that the rest of the world worked like this. You functioned alone. You did your beat issue to manage strange situations with aside the magical insight of another person. Id never realized how much Id taken the thoughts of even scarcely one other person for granted.The one thing I felt certain(p) of was that both Lissa and Jill were freaked out by apiece other more(prenominal)over not by me. That was why I was here.Hey, Jill, I tell, smiling. How are you?She snapped out of whatsoever thoughts had been occupying her and jumped up from the chair. I thought that was strange, plainly then it made sense. Li ssa. You rose when a queen entered the room.Its okay, said Lissa, stumbling over her words a little. Sit. She took a seat opposite Jill. It was the biggest chair in the roomthe one Tatiana had always sat in.Jill hesitated a moment, then shifted her view back to me. I must entertain provided some encouragement because she re morose to her chair. I sat in one beside Lissa, wincing as a short torment tightened in my chest. Worry for me momentarily distracted Jill from Lissa.How are you feeling? be you okay? Should you even be out of bed? The cute, rambling nature. I was glad to see it again.Fine, I lied. Good as new.I was worried. When I truism what happened I mean, there was so much blood and so much craziness and no one knew if youd pull through Jill frowned. I dont know. It was all so scary. Im so glad youre okay.I kept smiling, hoping to still her. Silence fell then. The room grew tense. In political situations, Lissa was the expert, always able to smooth everything over w ith the right words. I was the one who spoke up in uncomfortable scenarios, saying the things that shocked others. The things no one indispensablenessed to nab. This situation seemed like one that required her diplomacy, alone I knew it was on me to take charge.Jill, I said, we urgencyed to know if youd be willing to, well, take part in the coronation ceremony.Jills eye flicked briefly to Lissastill stone- approachand then back to me. What does take part mean, exactly? What would I have to do? zipper hard, I assured her. Its just some formalities that are unremarkably done by family members. Ceremonial stuff. Like you did with the vote. I hadnt witnessed that, hardly Jill had evidently only had to stand by Lissas side to show family strength. Such a small thing for a law to hinge on. Mostly, its close to beingness on display and putting on a wakeless face.Well, mused Jill, Ive been doing that for some of this week.Ive been doing it for roughly of my life, said Lissa.Jill looked startled. Again, I felt at a passing game without the flummox. Lissas tone hadnt made her meaning clear. Was it a challenge to Jillthat the girl hadnt faced nearly what Lissa had? Or was it supposed to be sympathy for Jills lack of experience? Youll youll nettle used to it, I said. Over time.Jill shook her head, a small and bitter smile on her face. I dont know about that.I didnt either. I wasnt sure how one handled the human body of situation shed been dropped into. My mind promptly ran through a list of more meaningless, kind things I could say, except Lissa last took over. I know how weird this is, she said. She determinedly met Jills green eyesthe only feature the sisters shared, I decided. Jill had the makings of a future Emily. Lissa carried a concoction of her parents traits. This is weird for me too. I dont know what to do.What do you want? asked Jill quietly.I hear the real inquire. Jill precious to know if Lissa valued her. Lissa had been devastated by t he finis of her crony but a surprise illegitimate sibling was no rest period for Andre. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in either girls place. I tried and failed.I dont know, admitted Lissa. I dont know what I want.Jill nodded, dropping her gaze, but not before I caught sight of the emotion playing across her face. Disappointmentyet, Lissas answer hadnt entirely been unexpected.Jill asked the next best thing. Do you want do you want me to be in the ceremonies?The prosecutionion hung in the air. It was a good one. It was the reason wed come here, but did Lissa in truth want this? Studying her, I still wasnt sure. I didnt know if she was just following protocol, trying to get Jill to play a role expected among royalty. In this case, there was no law that said Jill had to do anything. She only if had to exist.Yes, said Lissa at last. I perceive the truth in her words, and something inside(a) of me lightened. Lissa didnt just want Jill for the sake of image. A pa rt of Lissa wanted Jill in her lifebut managing that would be difficult. Still, it was a start, and Jill seemed to recognize that.Okay, she said. clean tell me what I need to do. It occurred to me that Jills youth and nervousness were deceptive. There were sparks of bravery and boldness within her, sparks that I felt certain would grow. She in reality was a Dragomir.Lissa looked relieved, but I think it was because shed made a tiny step of move on with her sister. It had slide fastener to do with the coronation. aboutone else will excuse it all. Im not actually sure what you do, to be honest. But Rose is right. It wont be hard.Jill simply nodded.thank you, said Lissa. She stood up, and both Jill and I rose with her. I I genuinely appreciate it.That awkwardness returned as the three of us stood there. It would have been a good moment for the sisters to hug, but even though both seemed cheery at their progress, neither was ready for that. When Lissa looked at Jill, she still saw her aim with another woman. When Jill looked at Lissa, she saw her life completely turned tiptop downa life once shy and private now out there for the world to gawk at. I couldnt change her fate, but hugging I could do. Heedless of my stitches, I put my arms or so the young girl.Thanks, I said, echoing Lissa. Thisll all be okay. Youll see.Jill nodded yet again, and with no more to discuss, Lissa and I moved toward the door. Jills voice brought us to a halt. Hey what happens after the coronation? To me? To us?I glanced at Lissa. Another good question. Lissa turned toward Jill but still wasnt making direct eye contact. Well well get to know apiece other. Thingsll get better.The smile that appeared on Jills face was genuinesmall, but genuine. Okay, she said. There was hope in that smile too. Hope and relief. Id like that.As for me, I had to hide a frown. I apparently could function without the bond because I could tell, with absolute confidence, that Lissa wasnt exactly givi ng the whole truth. What wasnt she telling Jill? Lissa did want things to be better, I was certain, even if she wasnt sure how. But there was something something small that Lissa wasnt revealing to either of us, something that made me think Lissa didnt actually cerebrate things would improve. by of nowhere, a strange echo from Victor Dashkov rang through my mind about Jill. If she has any sense, Vasilisa will send her away.I didnt know why I remembered that, but it sent a chill through me. The sisters were both mustering smiles, and I hastily did as well, not wanting either to know my concerns. Lissa and I left after that, heading back toward my room. My little outing had been more tiring than I expected, and as much as I despised to admit it, I couldnt wait to lie down again.When we reached my room, I still hadnt decided if I should ask Lissa about Jill or wait to get Dimitris opinion. The decision was taken from me when we found an unexpected visitor waiting Adrian.He sat on my bed, head tipped back as though he was completely consumed by studying the ceiling. I knew better. Hed known the s we approachedor at least when Lissa approached.We stoppageped in the doorway, and he finally turned toward us. He looked like he hadnt slept in a while. unnoticeable shadows hung under his eyes, and his cute face was hardened with lines of fatigue. Whether it was mental or physiologic fatigue, I couldnt say. Nonetheless, his slothful smile was the same as ever.Your majesty, he said grandly.Stop, scoffed Lissa. You should know better.Ive never known better, he countered. You should know that.I saw Lissa start to smile then she glanced at me and grew serious, realizing this was hardly lets-have-fun-with-Adrian time.Well, she said uneasily, not looking very queenly at all. Ive got some things to do. She was spillage to bolt, I realized. Id gone with her for her family chat, but she was going to abandon me now. Just as well, though. This confabulation with Adrian ha d been inevitable, and Id brought it on myself. I had to finish this on my own, just as Id told Dimitri.Im sure you do, I said. Her face turned hesitant, as though she was suddenly reconsidering. She felt guilty. She was worried about me and wanted to stand by me. I quietly touched her arm. Its okay, Liss. Ill be okay. Go.She squeezed my hand in return, her eyes attentivenessing me good luck. She told Adrian goodbye and left, closing the door behind her.It was just him and me now. He proceeded on my bed, watching me carefully. He still wore the smile hed relegaten Lissa, like this was no big deal. I knew otherwise and made no attempts to hide my feelings. stand still made me tired, so I sat down in a nearby chair, nervously wondering what to say.AdrianLets start with this, little dhampir, he said cordially. Was it going on before you left Court?It took me a moment to follow that abrupt Adrian conversation format. He was asking if Dimitri and I had gotten back in concert before my arrest. I shook my head slowly.No. I was with you. Just you. True, Id been a mess of emotions, but my intentions had been firm.Well. Thats something, he said. Some of his pleasantness was starting to slip. I smelled it then, ever so faintly alcoholic beverage and smoke. Better some rekindling of sparks in the heat of battle or quest or whatever than you cheating right in front of me.I shook my head more urgently now. No, I swear. I didntnothing happened then not until I hesitated on how to phrase my next words. ulterior? he guessed. Which makes it okay?No Of course not. I Damn it. Id screwed up. Just because I hadnt cheated on Adrian at Court didnt mean that I hadnt cheated on him later. You could phrase it however you wanted, but lets face it sleeping with another computerized axial tomography in a hotel room was pretty much cheating if you had a boyfriend. It didnt matter if that computerized tomography was the love of your life or not.Im sorry, I said. It was the simplest a nd most appropriate thing I could say. Im sorry. What I did was wrong. I didnt mean for it to happen. I thought I really thought he and I were done. I was with you. I wanted to be with you. And then, I realized thatNo, nostop. Adrian held up a hand, his voice tight now as his cool window dressing continue to crumble. I really do not want to hear about the great revelation you had about how you guys were always meant to be together or whatever it was.I stayed silent because, well, that kind of had been my revelation.Adrian ran a hand through his hair. Really, its my fault. It was there. A hundred times there. How often did I see it? I knew. It kept happening. Over and over, youd say you were through with him and over and over, Id believe it no matter what my eyes showed me. No matter what my marrow squash told me. My. Fault.It was that meagerly unhinged ramblingnot that nervous kind of Jills, but the insecure kind that worried me about how close he was getting to the march of insanity. An edge I might very well be thrust him toward. I wanted to go over to him but had the sense to stay seated.Adrian, II loved you he yelled. He jumped up out of his chair so quickly I never saw it coming. I loved you, and you layed me. You took my heart and ripped it up. You might as well have staked me The change in his features also caught me by surprise. His voice filled the room. So much grief, so much anger. So unlike the usual Adrian. He strode toward me, hand clasped over his chest. I. Loved. You. And you used me the whole time. No, no. Its not true. I wasnt afraid of Adrian, but in the face of that emotion, I found myself cringing. I wasnt using you. I loved you. I still do, butHe looked disgusted. Rose, come on.I mean it I do love you. at one time I stood up, pain or no, trying to look him in the eye. I always will, but were not I dont think we work as a couple.Thats a bullshit breakup line, and you know it.He was kind of right, but I thought back to moments wi th Dimitri how well we worked in sync, how he always seemed to get exactly what I felt. I meant what Id said I did love Adrian. He was wonderful, in spite of all his flaws. Because, really, who didnt have flaws? He and I had fun together. There was affection, but we werent matched in the way Dimitri and I were.Im not Im not the one for you, I said weakly.Because youre with another guy?No, Adrian. Because I dont. I dont know. I dont I was fumbling, badly. I didnt know how to explain what I felt, how you could care about someone and love hanging out with thembut still not work as a couple. I dont balance you like you need.What the hell does that mean? he exclaimed.My heart ached for him, and I was so sorry for what Id done but this was the truth of it all. The fact that you have to ask says it all. When you find that person youll know. I didnt add that with his history, hed probably have a number of false starts before finding that person. And I know this sounds like another bul lshit breakup line, but I really would like to be your friend.He stared at me for several heavy seconds and then laughedthough there wasnt much humor in it. You know whats great? Youre serious. Look at your face. He gestured, as though I actually could examine myself. You really think its that easy, that I can sit here and watch your happy ending. That I can watch you getting everything you want as you lead your charmed life.Charmed The guilt and sympathy competitive within me got a little kick of anger. Hardly. Do you know what Ive gone through in the last year? Id watched Mason die, fought in the St. Vladimirs attack, been captured by Strigoi in Russia, and then lived on the run as a wanted murderess. That didnt sound charmed at all.And yet, here you are, triumphant after it all. You survived death and freed yourself from the bond. Lissas queen. You got the guy and your happily ever after.I turned my back to him and walk away. Adrian, what do you want me to say? I can apologize forever, but theres nothing else I can do here. I never wanted to hurt you I cant say that enough. But the rest? Do you really expect me to be sad about everything else having worked out? Should I wish I was still I was accused of murder?No, he said. I dont want you to suffer. Much. But the next time youre in bed with Belikov, stop a moment and remember that not everyone made out as well as you did.I turned back to face him. Adrian, I neverNot just me, little dhampir, he added quietly. Theres been a dower of collateral damage along the way while you battled against the world. I was a dupe, obviously. But what about Jill? What happens to her now that youve abandoned her to the royal wolves? And Eddie? Have you thought about him? And wheres your Alchemist? Every word he slung at me was an arrow, piercing my heart more than the bullets had. The fact that hed referred to Jill by her name instead of Jailbait carried an extra hurt. I was already toting plenty of guilt about her, but the others well, they were a mystery. Id heard rumors about Eddie but hadnt seen him since my return. He was clear of Jamess death, but killing a Moroiwhen others still thought he might have been brought in breathingcarried a heavy stigma. Eddies previous insubordination thanks to mealso anathemise him, even if it had all been for the greater good. As queen, Lissa could only do so much. The guardians served the Moroi, but it was customary for the Moroi to step back and let the guardians manage their own people. Eddie wasnt being dismissed or imprisoned but what assignment would they give him? Hard to say.Sydney she was an even greater mystery. Wheres your Alchemist? The goings- on of that group were beyond me, beyond my world. I remembered her face that last time Id seen her, back in the hotel well-set but sad. I knew she and the other Alchemists had been released since then, but her expression had said she wasnt out of trouble yet.And Victor Dashkov? Where did he fit in? I wasnt s ure. wicked or not, he was still someone whod suffered as a impression of my actions, and the events surrounding his death would stay with me forever.Collateral damage. Id brought down a fortune of people with me, intentionally or no. But, as Adrians words continued sinking into me, one of them suddenly gave me pause.Victim, I said slowly. Thats the difference between you and me.Huh? Hed been watching me closely while Id considered the fates of my friends and was caught off guard now. What are you talking about?You said you were a victim. Thats why thats why ultimately, you and I arent matched for each other. In spite of everything thats happened, Ive never thought of myself that way. Being a victim means youre powerless. That you wont take action. Always always Ive done something to fight for myself for others. No matter what.Id never seen such outrage on Adrians face. Thats what you think of me? That Im lazy? Powerless?Not exactly. But I had a feeling that after this convers ation, he would run off to the comfort of his cigarettes and alcohol and maybe whatever female company he could find.No, I said. I think youre amazing. I think youre strong. But I dont think youve realized itor knowing how to use any of that. And, I wanted to add, I wasnt the person who could proclaim that in him.This, he said, moving toward the door, was the last thing I expected. You destroy my life and then feed me inspirational philosophy.I felt horrible, and it was one of those moments where I wished my mouth wouldnt just blurt out the first thing on my mind. Id learned a lot of controlbut not quite enough.Im just telling you the truth. Youre better than this better than whatever it is youre going to do now. Adrian rested his hand on the doorknob and gave me a penitent look. Rose, Im an addict with no work ethic whos likely going to go insane. Im not like you. Im not a superhero.Not yet, I said.He scoffed, shook his head, and opened the door. Just before leaving, he gave me one more backward glance. The contracts null and void, by the way.I felt like Id been slapped in the face. And in one of those rare moments, Rose Hathaway was rendered speechless. I had no humourous quips, no elaborate explanations, and no profound insight.Adrian left, and I wondered if Id ever see him again.